Women are Irrational

Happy Tuesday everyone!

Let's get this party started with some terrible jokes!

Red and Rover (05.18.10)

Wait a danged minute... With telepathy, this kid could potentially fend off hostile martians with a stick dagger!

Honestly, I'm not sure what to think of this comic. Is it sweet that the kid thinks his dog is worth protecting? Is it freakish that the kid can hear what his dog is thinking? Is it awkward that this dog has such a depressing and reproachful view of the world?

I think the answer to all of the above is, "Yeah, pretty much."

Todd the Dinosaur! (05.18.10)

Okay... That guy just totally broke all of his teeth in the 2nd panel and yet is concerned not by that fact or the fact that he will need severe dental surgery to replace his entire collection of molars and incisors that he's been growing for years, but that it might have bugs in it?

If that's the case... I refer you to an age old proverb: God made dirt, and dirt don't hurt.

Stupid comic. Still can't get over how retarded Todd looks, by the way. Am I the only one that thinks this strip should be called, Todd the Tardosaur? Come on. It changes the entire scope of the comic, makes it more edgy and potentially more funny.

Arctic Circle (05.18.10)

Scotch Tape joke? It's called Scotch tape for the same reason that tissues are referred to as Kleenex... It's a brand name. Unfunny.

Okay... let's write better dialogue for this comic. Ready?

First panel

Penguin: Wow, that's a big one there, fella. How's about me and you go starve ourselves in the Arctic for a few months?

Last panel

Other penguin: Don't look at me. Everyone knows how they are when they drink.

You guys do your own versions in the comments section.

The Better Half (05.18.10)

Yesterday I criticized a better cartoonist for tackling a younger, old joke... this comic deserves much worse.

But... instead, let's just pretend like the blurb at the end doesn't exist, but instead is replaced with the following.

"If you suggest putting that carrot in my butt during intercourse one more time... I'm going to cut you with this knife."

Yeah, that's better.

Crankshaft (05.18.10)

There is a hidden fourth panel that got deleted in the theatrical release of this comic that was the dude slapping the crap out of her. I'm not saying I agree with either party for how the comic turned out in the end, but that is a ridiculous proclamation due to ONE friggin' ant.

The end.

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A Return

Well, your worst nightmare has come true. I am back with some hopefully funny commentary for you. For my return, I've decided to choose five strips from yesterday and five from today. After this, maybe you can go to my site. No pressure or anything.

Zits 12/14/09

I'd want freedom too if I were being fondled by the Black-Suited Santa of Death.

Crock 12/14/09

OK...so whose feet did you expect to have?

Mark Trail 12/14/09

I'm kind of hoping the rest of this week consists of that guy trying to dispose of Mark's body. "Hello, Reverend Parsons! Fancy meeting you in the middle of woods while I'm digging this hole. What's rolled up in the tarp, you ask? Not a dead body if that's what you're thinking!"

Hazel 12/14/09

"No, Hazel! That's not a toilet!"

Notice how her body is literally absorbing the tricycle? Also, where'd her package go?

The Better Half 12/14/09

Now I'm no economist but I think what's happening is that since no one has any money, businesses have to lower their prices to compete and stay in business meaning they make less and less profit and make less money to run their company. Companies that do not, are the ones hit the hardest during a recession leading, possibly, to shutting down. If Stanley did raise the cost of his thoughts roughly 2000% (right?) then he has just priced his brain out of business.

Mary Worth 12/15/09

Now, you know what would be awesome? If Wilbur agreed to meeting this young man and it turned out to be Ted with a new haircut and no mustache.

Broom Hilda 12/15/09

Are they just goose-stepping around town screaming "Deck the halls"? I ask this because the lyrics of Deck the Halls are pretty self-explanatory although I guess if they sang the whole song they'd be wondering what the hell a bough of holly is.

Beetle Bailey 12/15/09

"Naked? Isn't that a little gay?"

"It's not gay if both of us do it."

"I guess that makes sense."

Drabble 12/15/09

And why does Drabble care? It's just a Secret Santa--not the KGB. He should just take comfort knowing that he gets free brownies.

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Meandering Rants

Today is really ranty, for some reason. I have no idea why, but nearly every piece of commentary is nothing but meandering rants. It's not funny and it's hardly readable, but hopefully it's good enough. Hope you still enjoy it. (Vote for me, please? I'm #6. Thank you.)

Better Half, 12/11/09

First and foremost, what government has authority over the North Pole? I don't think any of them do. Second, Santa's sleigh runs on magic and is pulled by reindeer, which is probably more eco-friendly than any hybrid could be. Unless magic, somehow, has a devastating effect on the environment. Third, I don't think the elves are employees as much as they are indentured servants. At worst, they're slaves. Stupid "Better Half".

Funky Winkerbean, 12/11/09

Is Pete Roberts (I had to look it up) hitting on Summer?Are we embarking on a storyline where a nearly 30-year-old comic book writer obsesses over a teenage girl? Moreso, the daughter of one of his teachers and the half-sister of his best friend from high school? I really hope not.

Housebroken, 12/11/09
Okay, so the fact they chose to have an African-American protagonist for Disney's "triumphant" return to hand-drawn animation is supposed to be a bad thing? Also, why denote "Toy Story" and "Finding Nemo" as classics when there's plenty of classic Disney movies before that? Also, they're in effect "dissing" DuckTales, Darkwing Duck, Gargoyles, and the entire Disney Afternoon and all the theatrical shorts, for that matter, by saying that Disney's hand-drawn stuff isn't as good as the Pixar stuff. I like Pixar and all, but saying that Disney's entire catalogue before "Toy Story" isn't worthwhile is a bit much.

Knight Life, 12/11/09

Today's "Knight Life" is about child slavery, pretty much. I will leave you with that.

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Conservative preacher

It's Thursday, which means that you people are stuck with me again. A terrible fate, I know, but let's just get it over with:

Better Half, 10/1/09

Thank god the panel cuts out at the stomach so we don't have to see all of this self-improvement endeavor.

Dennis the Menace, 10/1/09

Imagine if one of the "Dennis the Menace" movies they made were about him as a teenager. Barring any sort of personal growth, Dennis would most likely be a sadistic jerk who delighted in tormenting others. The climax of the movie would be when he finally gives Mister Wilson a heart attack, and while Dennis would briefly reflect on the events which caused him to cause another's death, he would then laugh and hop in his car and drive off somewhere to toy with a bunch of teenagers and probably date-rape at least one of them. It's important to note that for that exercise I simply assumed that Dennis was as menacing as he used to be. The Dennis we have now wouldn't be a hell-raiser, unless you were an especially conservative preacher.

Hi and Lois, 10/1/09

Speaking of conservative preachers, they'd have issues with Ditto's choice of hairstyle. Oh, and Ditto? You're a Mort Walker character. Absolutely nothing can make you look cool.

Marvin, 10/1/09

The same preacher would be pleased that the hellspawn Marvin was horrified by that girl and her mysticism. I'm not so sure seances are something that naturally lend themselves to goths, though I admit to not being 100% sure about that. Then again, this is Marvin so I shouldn't really care about it, as long as she's making him uncomfortable. That makes her a hero for our age.

Dick Tracy, 10/1/09

I have no idea what's going on in the third panel, unless Pops the Clown is forcing Ringo to perform for his amusement.

Frog Applause, 10/1/09

So the llama is sad because the woman won't sleep with him anymore, but the woman says that the llama can watch if he wants. So that's bestiality and voyeurism right there. Also, that llama can probably do a lot better than that woman.

La Cucaracha, 10/1/09

First and foremost, does anyone remember the Boondocks at all? According to Wikipedia, the strip's been over for over three years and the show hasn't aired a new episode in nearly two years. I realize that this parody stemmed from the fact that Boondocks was over, but isn't doing it three years later sort of odd? Second, is the joke here just what Kayne West did, or that he has terrible taste in comic strips?

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Geekiness abounds!

Hey there, cats and kittens. Are you ready for the Internet's hippest comic strip reviews? Then you should go find them, because I'm just doing what I usually do while I'm here.

Better Half, 8/13/09

I take issue with this strip because, while that man is the stature of a hobbit, he clearly does not have hairy feet or pointed ears. Also, the word hobbit is not capitalized when being used in that manner. However, I am wondering if one could go to that job and claim to be an orc or an elf while all decked-out in a costume. That would be quite an interesting place to work.

Annie, 8/13/09

Crom? The same Crom who is a part of the Conan the Barbarian mythos? Does this mean that Annie and Conan the Barbarian share the same universe and history? Could Annie be the reincarnation of Red Sonja? Is Daddy Warbucks working with Thulsa Doom? This just opens the door for so many hypothetical, yet now plausible, situations! Also, that dinosaur is obviously a carnivore. Look at those teeth. Those are for tearing the flesh off bodies, they are.

Gasoline Alley, 8/13/09

Speaking of Conan the Barbarian... I hope that Conan does exist in this universe and that he'll eventually come to Gasoline Alley and just stop this strip. I'm not sure, but I think it's the oldest strip around, and it really doesn't deserve to still be around. So get right on that, Conan. I don't care which Conan. Just get on it.

Betty, 8/13/09

Why are Americans so interested in doing stuff other cultures do when, in the not-too-distant past, we have fought wars to get away from those other countries and to stop them from doing things that they do? I realize that the United States is on good terms with Europe, but really, if George Washington could see us now he'd slowly shake his head and wonder where he and the other forefathers went wrong.

Bo Nanas, 8/13/09

Cleveland (where I live) supposedly has the best public transportation in North America. Considering how... not bad, really, but terribly uneven it is here I can only imagine what it's like in other places. That said, I would not take food or drink offered to me on a bus. I can only imagine it would be, like the service, terribly uneven. I wouldn't let them come near my face, either. Especially not with hot oil.

Flo and Friends, 8/13/09

This comic strip is either about assisted suicide, incest, or an old man's wish to be sexed to death. In any case, it's disturbing and rather depressing.

Natural Selection, 8/13/09

Attention comic strip person: Fish are not Pokemon. They do not evolve into bigger, different fish. Yes, some Pokemon are fish-like, but that does not mean anything. Also, please ignore that one "Legend of the River King" game for the Game Boy Color, in which fish COULD evolve into bigger fish. Foolish comic strip person. Unless, of course, the joke is that the grouper ate all the other fish, in which case all of what I just said just goes to show what a geek I am.

Non Sequitur, 8/13/09

I don't see what a lifeguard could really do against a giant cephalopod anyway. Beat it with that boogie-board thing, I guess?

Herb and Jamaal, 8/13/09

Stop lying to yourself, Jamaal. Seriously.

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Shorter than usual

Fairly short today, folks. Sometimes the funnies just aren't that funny to mock.

Better Half, 7/30/09

The best way to spice up a marriage is cannibalism, and I suppose that the best spice for cannibalism is just barbecuing human flesh. On a side note, did you know that this couple's last name is Parker? That's three comic strips with protagonists with the surname Parker. (The other two are Peter and Mary Jane Parker from Spider-Man and the Parkers from Judge Parker. You can find commentary for both of them at the Meekrat Entertainment Group, amazingly enough.)

Mother Goose and Grimm, 7/30/09

Look at that thing in the background, behind the jerky looking guy in the "Wash U" shirt. What is that thing supposed to be? It looks sort of like a castle, or perhaps the front of a building, but there's nothing beyond the door. Is it just some sort of elaborate arch, out in the middle of nothing? Why even put something like that in the strip? They could have just left it out and put another tree there, and there'd be no cause for this confusion. Also, watch out for Speed Racer. He's a demon, and he's going to be chasing after SOMEONE.

Tina's Groove, 7/30/09

If he was Amish, he wouldn't be dating you. I'm pretty sure they have rules against Amish people establishing romantic relationships with those who aren't Amish. Unless he's going through that thing that some Amish people go through where they live outside the Amish community for a little while, in which case that guy's pretty far gone and I don't think he'll be going back. In which case, he's not Amish anymore, but formerly Amish. Yes, I am lacking content and things to say about the strips I picked out, so I am stretching these commentaries out as far as I can.

My Cage, 7/30/09

Is that something you can actually get for your phone? The outgoing ring-tone thing? If it is, I have a new goal for what I want to get with my next phone.

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The Worst Comics for April 2009

Hold your nose, these comics freaking stink!

The Better Half 4/21/09

LOL TEH ECONOMIES SUX< SO DOES THA HOUSEZ ROFL


Broom Hilda 4/20/09

"If that doesn't work I also wouldn't mind SHOOTING YOU IN THE FACE!"


Herb and Jamaal 4/10/09

It really says something about HJ that they are the only comic strip with two nominations so far this year. As soon as you're over 40 it is IMPOSSIBLE to continue getting closer to 40, only farther away. Job opening for syndicated cartoonist: basic understanding of mathematics not required.


The Middletons 4/6/09

Smelling piss = text messages. What?

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Quick and Dirty Comics Review!

No time to link, proof-read or comment beyond what I've already did, hope you like it!

Cornered 4/17/09

Cornered seems to have infiltrated my head and gone directly to the "worst nightmare" district. It would serve me right for living my atheistic existence and engaging in this snarky blogger lifestyle to die and go up to heaven and be denied entry because of all the feelings I hurt while running the DCR.


Baldo 4/17/09

So I guess I should say something nice now? It takes balls to run a comic strip with a slightly continual plot and make the decision to get rid of a character. I've been reading Baldo for over a year now, and though I always remember cringing slightly whenever Joey was in the strip (readying myself for the inevitable slacking off joke) I was taken aback by my own feelings of sadness to see him go. Wait a minute, me.... feelings.... fuck this I need a different comic quick!


Alley Oop 4/17/09

OH GOD IT FEELS SO GOOD TO HAVE THE HATE RUNNING THROUGH MY VEINS AGAIN! Aparently in Central America they have red dinosaurs who pass the time doing the Electric Slide. Thanks for being awful Alley, I feel like myself again.


Judge Parker 4/17/09

BORING BORING BOOOOOOOOORRRRRING! Judge Parker dialog is worse than the intros to most porno movies. Scratch that, ALL porno movies, because then at least you know you're going to see some boneing.


The Better Half 4/16/09

Does anybody own a TV remote control that actually clicks or has this idea only been propagated by evil cartoonists so the awful jokes they write make sense? Please, if you've owner a clicker that clicks let us know!

P.S. I hate how this strip looks. Potatoes chips in a turnip? How is the chair this guy is sitting in possibly connected to reality where his feet are that high up, unless his feet come right out of his pelvis.

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The Comics Hug and Love-Fest?

I'd like to wish a happy 36th birthday to Chris Baldwin, creator of the web comic Little Dee! I started reading this strip when it was on comics.com during his development deal with them but now it can only be found on his website. I've never critiqued the strip here because it is so regularly good, with a somewhat continuous storyline and memorable characters. Keep up the good work Chris, I love reading it every day. And sorry for all the butt-kissing in today's post, I guess I'm just feeling generous?

The Brilliant Mind of Edison Lee 2/25/09

Look, I understand people are pissed about this whole bank bail-out situation but here is the thing: it makes for shitty comedy. Almost every comic strip has made light of what has happened with the TARP funds but like everything else have to do with banks it is god damn boring. Also the whole clipboard/little kid talking politics is way too similar to Calvin and Hobbes. Edison is a scientist, that is his shtick. There is more than enough politics on the comics page to begin with.


Eek! 2/25/09

Ugh might be a better strip name. If you want some serious vampire humor you should check out www.vampirenerd.com.


The Better Half 2/25/09

Apparently you can use the phrase "lubricates your insides" on the funny pages, it just depends on the context. You learn something new every day.


Barkeater Lake 2/25/09

Corey Pandolph is the hardest working cartoonist in the business. He has 3 comic strips, all of which I enjoy. He does Barkeater Lake, Toby - Robot Satan, and The Elderberries. The fantastic thing about each of his works is that they maintain their own bizarre realities better than most tv series. While some might think him some sort of super-human for being able to maintain 3 different strips at the same time, he was actually born with a fully functional third arm, allowing previously unheard of comic creating abilities, and making him a freak in the sack.

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