The DCR: Manic Monday - 08/05/2013

by Hal Bent

I feel like I should have a little Steve Miller Band playing here as time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future.  Unbelievable as it may be, it's Monday already and as usual I'm behind the 8-ball. That said, why should this Monday be any less manic than any other Monday? A little thrown by not having my regular 9 Chickweed Lane to beat up on comment about today since it was incredibly dull and pointless. That's ok. My hatred of all things Ziggy still runs strong!

Adam@Home by Brian Basset:

Adam has realized that this is a "Logan's Run" society, and this birthday is it for ol' potato nose!  Look at that expression in the last panel, he knows what's coming for him. The end is nigh.

Of course, I'm most interested in Clayton's shirt. (The kid's name is Clayton, right? They don't ever refer to him as Clay...which is what most people do around their family. I'd look it up, but I can't bear to have anything Adam-related show up in my Google search history or I'd die of embarrassment. I always want to call him Gene for some reason.)  At first I assumed it was Green Lantern, but Brian Bassett apparently had second thoughts on giving DC some free advertising.  So now we have either a green doughnut, or Adam dresses his kid in a target. Does he think sacrificing Clayton will allow him to survive past this birthday? 


Arlo and Janis by Jimmy Johnson:

Ah, yes, a comic worthy of entertaining and affirming the wordsmiths.  Baloney improves everything, is vital.  Kudos to Arlo. 

BTW, Arlo really isn't a terribly popular name any longer, is it? I don't know anyone named Arlo in the real world, and--in fact--other than this comic strip, I'm hard pressed to name an Arlo other than Arlo Guthrie. Comic strip Arlo was a wild and crazy guy when the strip debuted way way way back when, and I can see the Guthrie homage, but today he is a 40/50 something empty-nester working in accounting or something and talking to his cat.  


Born Loser, The by Chip Sansom:

I am saving this strip to give it to my kids as a life lesson. The Born Loser could have set up his coffee the night before and set the timer on the coffeemaker so as it'd be ready when he awakes like I do, and have a stash of high-fiber bars for quick, healthy-ish food substance (I'm not a big morning eater).  But no, he's lazy. Sloth is one of his many downfalls. 

This is not "born" loser; this "learned behavior" loser. 


Frog Applause by Teresa Burritt:

If only it were "Ziggy" and not "Dilbert" referenced, I'd have loved it even more. The green eyes are freaking me out nicely, however. 


Ziggy by Tom Wilson & Tom II:

It'd be nice if it were a coyote come to rip the Zigster to shreds and end his misery. A wolf would be less likely but sufficient as well.  I'd settle for a pissed-off raccoon if it meant pain and suffering for Ziggy...

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OK, all, let's survive this Monday together! Have a great one, thanks as always for coming back! 

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Saturday Specials

by Hal Bent

"Some days are dry
Some days are leaky
Some days come clean
Other days are sneaky
Some days take less but most days take more
Some slip through your fingers and onto the floor"
-Some Days are Better than Others by U2 (Zooropa)

Lot's of days slipping through my fingers these days.

"Hank says
The days, days, days
Run away like horses over the hill
The days, days, days
Run away like horses over the hill"

-Dirty Day by U2 (Zooropa)

The days are definitely getting away from me.  So since everyone reading knows now that the background soundtrack consists of the album that ran on repeat throughout my college days (God, I am old!).  Well, today is not slipping away, so onto the comic strips:

The Argyle Sweater by Scott Hilburn:

I usually enjoy the Argyle Sweater, but I have to complain about this strip today. The men's room?  A cat wouldn't use a "men's room". The door should say "Litterbox".  Small point, I know, but it takes away from the humor.  

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Ballard Street by Jerry Van Amerongen:

Wait, it's funny because he had a stroke?  That is some damned cruel humor there. 

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Ben by Daniel Shelton:

This is only intersting if the Sunday comic picks this discussion up tomorrow and the mom says "It was more of a brand, and I got it before I met father.  I was a 'member' at Sam & Maury's Dungeon, or the S&M Dungeon as its known today, and these seven fellows I was with at the time..."

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Born Loser, The by Chip Sansom

The Born Loser is auditioning for the role of Wilford Brimley.  Next week's strips are all about speaking to the reader about "diabeetus".

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9 Chickweed Lane by Brooke McEldowney:

I'm not sure the strip loses much by replacing "a heedless hubba-hubba wongbonga ding-dong rapturama" with "a bone-a-thon".  In fact, I think it makes it more relatable and realistic.

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Terrible Tuesday

by Hal Bent

It's Tuesday, which is like a Monday on repeat, so getting right to the comics under review:

Born Loser, The by Chip Sansom

I don't like it when the Born Loser (is his name Brutus? Yes, Brutus Thornapple. What a great name) is not in his own strip.  Today, we have an unpublished writer and part-time freelance script editor working hard to make some green to support his dreams and has to suffer the slings and arrows of this doofus.  Hey Boss-Guy (Veeblefester, How depressing that I know their names), the waiter didn't buy or cook your steak. He is not the owner. He makes an obscenely little amount of money, and he definitely does not need to hear your hackneyed joke that was old and tired when Vaudeville was new.


Bottomliners by Eric and Bill Teitelbaum

"I am also a charter member of the FREAK-daily-mile-high-club. Wanna see how freaky I am, Baby? Don't let the suit throw you off or anything--I'm a FREAK!"


Dick Tracy by Joe Staton and Mike Curtis

Umm, that second panel is awesome.  Is that kid withe the ponytails holding a turkey drumstick? Are they frozen, or are they slowly walking backwards back up the steps into the house instead of turning around.  Then antennae?  Mind=Blown. Wow. Whatever Staton and Curtis are smoking, I'll have one too.



Kit and Carlyle by Larry Wright

I add this one only because the cat looks like my cat, and my son turned on the shower Sunday night and got him when he did not see the little guy napping in there. 

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Saturday Specials

by Hal Bent

Welcome to the weekend! Apparently, the theme of the day in the newspaper comics is to have guys sitting on the coach.  Well, that's original. Oh yeah, I threw in some Born Loser, because that strip just raises my dander. 


Thatababy by Paul Trap:

"This Old House" because referencing a television show that was popular when Ronald Reagan defeated Jimmy Carter in the presidential election is how one connects their comic strip about a couple with a newborn baby to their audience.  Oh, wait, the couples creating a family are in the age range where they weren't born yet when Reagan left office, let alone when Carter left office.


Reality Check by Dave Whamond:

Speed Bump by Dave Coverly:

Yup, it's all about spaced-out fathers/husbands in a daze on the couch watching television, the drug of a nation. No laptop, no iPad, no other device. Out of date? Check. OK, let's keep the couch theme going!


Betty by Gary Delainey and Gerry Rasmussen:

Gotta give props to Betty today: with that sentence construction in the second panel setting up the punchline in the third panel, I am excited to see next week's strips where the husband uses his phone to productively search craigslist and the personal sites for the white man he presumably is adding to his marriage.  I refer back to the first panel, as the husband's double-entendre is referencing what kink will be ongoing once he works out the kinks.  


Born Loser, The by Chip Sansom:

Umm, the answer is corn syrup.  Manufacturers load ketchup (and catsup) with high-fructose corn syrup (aka sugar) to sweeten it enough for the American public and their never-ending quest for the consumption of sweets.

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Manic Monday

by Hal Bent

I realize I should change the Monday Daily Comics Review title from Manic Monday to Monday Funday, if only because I spend the rest of the evening getting odd looks from my wife as I hum Bangles tunes like it was 1987.  Too late, I'm already humming along: "I wish it was Sunday!"

Fred Basset by Alex Graham:

Sorry, no choice but to cal you out: Now that's what I call mailing it in!  Somewhere a smart, new comic is deprived precious newspaper space to print this drivel. 


For Heaven's Sake by Mike Morgan:

What the? I don' t look anything like this "Hal". Though that is a rocking mustache.  While I'm at this comic (which I usually blatantly ignore) what is the deal with the main priest character? Is he a chicken?  Is he supposed to be a chicken-man? He looks like Garfield's Jim Davis was contracted to draw a man-chicken priest. 


Born Loser, The by Chip Sansom:

In comics news today,the entire community of print comics mourns the loss of Brutus, the Born Loser.  Now, the dead loser after having a catastrophic heart attack while at his annual physical, the strip has been renamed "the Dead Loser" and will focus on casket, mortuary, and funeral humor involving his widow, a man-beast of a wife, and his child, whose dutch haircut threw me off for the first ten years I read comics and this reader and commentator believed was a pre-pubescent girl. Wait...that sounds better than this boring comic that peaked in 1979. 


Birdbrains by Thom Bluemel:

I really don't know what to say about this comic.  I can't ignore it, but it's not really funny or anything. Maybe it's that the creator drew a female bee with boobs (they're not boobies, they're bee-boobs); maybe it's the waggling antennae, slumped forward posture, and drool from the horney bee; Maybe its that hiney bee is so out of place.  How about a harpy bee, with claws and bird of prey design?  No, it's definitely the drool.


Alley Oop by Jack and Carole Bender:

After an entire week of a caveman lawyer introducing himself to various cavemen and being disgusted that none of them know what an attorney is and does, the "joke" continues this week with the "hilarity" continuing, just in case anyone missed all the "humor" last week. After investing more time than this "hilarious" strip deserves, I will be very, very angry if this ends with anything other than this Mel Brooks look-alike lawyer getting what all lawyers deserve: his head prominently displayed on a pike.

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Valentine's Day Massacre

Happy Valentine's Day! Let's hope everyone spent lots of money to stimulate the economy (because nothing says eternal love like flowers that die in two days and sugar and cocoa snacks high in saturated fats and carbohydrates). I know, I missed yesterday. C'est la vie. Let's get to it!

Baldo by Hector D. Cantu and Carlos Castellanos:

If you are not a regular Baldo reader (and really, why would anyone be reading Baldo on a regular basis?), you will be confused by this love-themed Valentine's Day cartoon as Baldo's fat friend (I really can't expend the brain cells to remember his name) is in love with a scooter or some nonsense.  It has a female personality and screen with a female face and tubs of love here is goo-goo gaga-gaga over the mechanical device.  Apparently he does obscene things with the motor, as far as I can tell about the final panel.

Betty by Gary Delainey and Gerry Rasmussen:

Hmm, the comics with a Valentine's Day theme seem geared towards fat guys with disturbing machine issues. This tub of fun bought his not-very-attractive wife a rowing machine.  Um, I can't imagine a wife being too thrilled about getting a rowing machine. "Dear, your arms and body shape are pretty manly, so I got you a rowing machine to really give you that broad-shouldered look."  Nope, does not go over like this in real life. 

Born Loser, The by Chip Sansom:

OK, so it's a definite theme.  Unattractive people are going to consume candy and give sad gifts.  Then they will risk the future of mankind by engaging in reproductive practices.  END IT! STOP THE VALENTINE'S DAY MADNESS!

Broom Hilda by Russell Myers:

Well, at least these hideous creatures will not be reproducing in some bizarre cross-species three-way  this Valentine's Day.

 Café con Leche by Charlos Gary:

Welcome to the real America on Valentine's Day!  "Yeah, here's my effort. I spent some money on an empty gesture as required by society, and I won't lower myself to say I love you, either. But here's a weak attempt. Can I go back to doing what I want to do and detesting you?" How depressing.

Daddy's Home by Tony Rubino and Gary Markstein:

It's funny because she finds her husband unattractive and has lost all interest in having any kind of physical relationship and was hoping for a box of chocolates she could re-gift to young worker in the mail room she meets for occasional relations.

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Well, that was depressing.  Hope everyone has a better Valentine's Day than the comics page characters!  Thanks for reading!

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Another Rough Day at the Gym

Happy Monday, everyone.  Hope everyone had a super Super Bowl Sunday yesterday.  Monday means new comics, so let's jump into it.  And in case I forget to say it later, thanks so much for stopping by!

Bliss by Harry Bliss and Real Life Adventures by Gary Wise and Lance Aldrich:

This is great for everyone with the gym membership that, 5 weeks into the new year, is already dormant and unused.  I always hated going to the gym.  These two comics sum up two of the most annoying aspects of the hated gym experience: muscle-bound phys. ed. majors hitting on your girl at the gym and fat asses on the exer-bike.  If Bliss was drawn at another angle, you'd see "Mr. Benches 250" flexing his arm as he feels up some guys girlfriend as part of his "job duty".  Of course, in Real Life Adventures the blond wife was at the same gym with the same trainer....she was loving all that attention she doesn't get from tubby here.  A different angle, and you'd see the Cheetos, ding-dongs, ho-ho's and beer on the side table.  Why go to the gym when she can see the sweaty butt prints on tubby's chair when he drags himself to the bathroom for his only strenuous activity of the day.

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 The Born Loser, The by Chip Sansom:

Yeah, there was something wrong with the first honeymoon, Buddy.  Big problems! (It's funny because the Born Loser has erectile dysfunction.)

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Baldo by Hector D. Cantu and Carlos Castellanos:

Is Baldo still in high school?  Is his father that annoyed with his kid that he's desperately trying to  marry him off and get him out of his hair?  There's a girl you like? Let me tell you about my experience.  Too bad it ended at four panels, add another two and you'd have: PANEL FIVE: Of course, the honeymoon was horrible." PANEL SIX: I had erectile dysfunction like that Born Loser!"

Seriously, look at that expression on the father's face when his son wants to have a serious father-son talk.  He hates this kid.  He wants no part of this conversation.  Do you get the impression that Baldo tries to have these talks every thirty minutes? Earlier that day, the conversation went: BALDO: "Dad, can we talk? I was pleasuring myself yesterday with your mustache scissors..."

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Free Range by Bill Whitehead:

Wait a sec, where is her voice coming from?  Is it coming from his...It is! Way to kick it up a notch, Free Range!

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Angry Little Girls by Lela Lee:

"I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Looking for love in too many places."  Nothing like a little 1980 country music by Johnny Lee from the Urban Cowboy soundtrack.  Of course, maybe little blond girl needs to stop being so negative. Or stop looking so hard and coming across as desperate.  Maybe she's unlikable.  How does she treat her friends?  Maybe she should hang out at the gym.  I bet there's a personal trainer more than happy to feel her up.

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Café con Leche by Charlos Gary:

Wait, was this idiot with the 1990's hipster goatee was passed out the last six months?  That's a significant baby bump.  Gotta be looking about six months pregnant there.  Where the heck is he going? Buying baby clothes? That's what I did.  Potency! Virility! Manliness!  Shout it from the rooftops. This guy is disgrace to real men.  Either that, or he knows she just got back from three months abroad.

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Last Kiss by John Lustig:

I have to put Last Kiss on here because I've been such a fan of the strip for so long.  John Lustig  bought the rights to a bunch of old romance comics and has been re-writing them with his unique humor.  (Plus, he accepted my Facebook friend request! Tee-hee,giddy fan boy alert!)  Consistently funny, always unique. Give him a read here: http://www.lastkisscomics.com

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OK, now I'm done. Thanks as always for reading! (Hey, I remembered.)

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Very Bored Fish

Animal Crackers

I think there is supposed to be a joke in here somewhere...


Baldo

Or just wait here another few minutes while we continue with the wisecracks; when you collapse from whatever is ailing you somebody will call an ambulance probably.

Big Nate

Sigh. Another cartoonist's fantasy of relevance/coolness.  "Really? Are you famous?" is a reaction I don't think anyone would have to discovering doodles in someone's notebook.

The Born Loser

"Mathlete" is a term that already exists.  This kid is not being clever at all.  I guess that's just another example of Born Loserdom.

The Grizzwells

So not only can these bears speak, they're training themselves to be multilingual.  My head hurts.

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Getting Older

Baldo

He went on to say, "...YOU'RE 36 FOR GARSH SAKES!  GET A JOB!"

The Barn

Is it because he is so one-of-a-kind stupid?  I would think there would be a lot of stupid sheep out there whether it's on this Earth or its duplicate.

Bewley

What's wrong with the "Can I have the check?" mime?  How else are you supposed to tell the waiter that you've sufficiently gorged yourself on overpriced food and would now like to leave as quickly as possible?

Bliss

This comic is an example of when a cartoonist can't think of anything funny and instead illustrates that last thing that happened to him that day.

The Born Loser

How is she one to talk?  She towers over him!  She is so large that she has to wear a garbage bag with arm holes cut out of it.

Off the Mark

Well, Batman does regularly operate a bat-plane, so this really shouldn't be so surprising.

Shoe

Shoe, you are criticizing an infomercial late at night; I think you are still the one with no life.

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