Saturday Specials

by Hal Bent

"Some days are dry
Some days are leaky
Some days come clean
Other days are sneaky
Some days take less but most days take more
Some slip through your fingers and onto the floor"
-Some Days are Better than Others by U2 (Zooropa)

Lot's of days slipping through my fingers these days.

"Hank says
The days, days, days
Run away like horses over the hill
The days, days, days
Run away like horses over the hill"

-Dirty Day by U2 (Zooropa)

The days are definitely getting away from me.  So since everyone reading knows now that the background soundtrack consists of the album that ran on repeat throughout my college days (God, I am old!).  Well, today is not slipping away, so onto the comic strips:

The Argyle Sweater by Scott Hilburn:

I usually enjoy the Argyle Sweater, but I have to complain about this strip today. The men's room?  A cat wouldn't use a "men's room". The door should say "Litterbox".  Small point, I know, but it takes away from the humor.  

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Ballard Street by Jerry Van Amerongen:

Wait, it's funny because he had a stroke?  That is some damned cruel humor there. 

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Ben by Daniel Shelton:

This is only intersting if the Sunday comic picks this discussion up tomorrow and the mom says "It was more of a brand, and I got it before I met father.  I was a 'member' at Sam & Maury's Dungeon, or the S&M Dungeon as its known today, and these seven fellows I was with at the time..."

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Born Loser, The by Chip Sansom

The Born Loser is auditioning for the role of Wilford Brimley.  Next week's strips are all about speaking to the reader about "diabeetus".

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9 Chickweed Lane by Brooke McEldowney:

I'm not sure the strip loses much by replacing "a heedless hubba-hubba wongbonga ding-dong rapturama" with "a bone-a-thon".  In fact, I think it makes it more relatable and realistic.

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Manic Monday

by Hal Bent

Monday is so Manic, I don't have time for introductions: Go, Go, GO!

Adam@Home by Brian Basset:


"We built this city..." Starship? Starship! That $*&@*#* Newman is singing Starship in the shower. I knew there was a good reason to hate him!


Ben by Daniel Shelton:
Grandpa likes it best when...

well let's consult the urban dictionary what he means by "fruit salad" shall we?
1. A) An item rumored to exist at certain parties, consisting of a bowl filled with random pills. Partygoers dip into the bowl and experience random effects.
1. B) a mixture of household and prescription medicines (supposedly teenagers illicitly use them to become intoxicated)
2. A) What you see when you are mooned by a male. It is the collection of man-junk from a rear view.
2. B) The result of a male tucking his genitalia between his legs while keeping his thighs pressed together.
3. A culturally diverse group of homosexuals.
4. A substitute word for sex. Usually used while texting friends to gloat that you just had sex without flat out saying it, just in case parental units get a hold of their phone.

You're a sick one, Grandpa.  Sick. 

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Friday Funnies

by Hal Bent

Happy Friday, I know I need a chuckle or three after a long work week. Of course, the humor is more likely  to be the snark humor after reading unfunny after unfunny comic. 


Farcus by David Waisglass and Gordon Coulthart:

It's funny because...umm, oh wait, it's not funny at all.  He is too dumb to go to the supermarket? He thinks canned fish live that way in the wild?  Is this a scathing denouncement of the American educational system that lags behind other nations in teaching science? This is really not humor, but commentary on America and it's role as a lagging superpower? No, I guess, it's just not funny.


Ben by Daniel Shelton:

Nothing funny at all about this comic.  I think this is a primer for the elderly readers (I'd say "fans", but are there any people who consider themselves "Ben fans"?  I imagine if I looked like the character, I might find it kind of a big deal, but otherwise...).  "How to unload your horrible junk in a yard sale since you cannot figure out eBay to save your life" is likely what the creator had in mind when writing and drawing this turd, I mean unfunny crap, I mean comic. 


Flo and Friends by Jenny Campbell:

Not to get all off-topic or anything, but when I was in college, I barely made over minimum wage, had no savings, no credit, was working to pay for school, movies and dates with my Sweetie-Pie, gas, groceries, and lots of beer, and somehow was pre-approved for a couple hundred credit cards.  I would sign up for the cards on my way between classes because they lured you in with a giant bag of Peanut M&Ms and that would be my free lunch for the day.  Paid for all those M&Ms later in life when I tried to buy our first house (bank didn't like all those credit cards in my shoebox under the bed) and being diagnosed with diabetes.


Last Kiss by John Lustig:

Bwahh-hahhh-hahhhh! As usual, Last Kiss steps up with some real humor. I am finally content with the comics this Friday with actually found a funny!

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Bad Also Starts with "B"

Ben by Daniel Shelton:

I call bull-hockey...this guy is over 60 years-old, and everyone knows that old people hoard batteries.  Not only that, they stuff their refrigerator full of the batteries so....well, I guess they think it makes them last longer. But the point is, the older guy is going to go to the fridge and replace the batteries. He probably has 400 double-A's left-over from the last snowstorm or hurricane.



Baldo by Hector D. Cantu and Carlos Castellanos:

This lady is in for some serious gastric surgery. Edible hairnets?  Her stomach is going to be opened up and feet of her intestines are going to be removed as those hairnets wrap themselves around her innards.  Or maybe the minimum-wage, on-call substitute cafeteria worker pay barely covers her expenses as she struggles to make ends meet with her 401k lost in the financial bubble, all 99 weeks of unemployment long gone, and reduced to eating anything she can get her hands on in the cafeteria.  Or I can be crude and come up with another reason why the hairnets smell like fish sticks...



B.C. by Hart:

This comic strip isn't really all that funny, but the post-apocalypse cave woman with the cheese, is in real bad shape there.  Look at that face.  Such quiet desperation. She has lost all and is clutching the one think that does not judge her--that doesn't look down on her. NO ONE is taking that cheese away from her.

Broom Hilda by Russell Myers:

t

MISSING PANEL FOUR:..>but I'm pretty sure I got laid!

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Volcanoes Wearing Ties? It Must Be Tuesday

Three quickies today (hey, I'm on vacation, cut me some slack!):

Brevity by Dan Thompson:

They're volcanoes. Ha-ha.  If they were guns (or Tom Selleck) it'd be Magnum Cum Laude.  Personally, I'd say go all comic book geek joke and reference the New Mutants character, Magma.  Then you'd have her getting her diploma from Charles Xavier, have Wolverine and Cyclops standing behind them. However, I do have to say I like the volcano people with glasses, ties, and a pearl necklace. Of course, the magma they have is like hair, except the father volcano, who is just dripping down his own face presumably in excitement at the graduation honors. Uggh, this is getting creepy now. Time to move on.

Ben by Daniel Shelton:

OK, so these two do not know how to plan? Babysitter maybe? Sleepover at Aunties? I think the guy here just has no desire to be with giant-1970's glasses here.  He's got these hideous kids ann the d is  not making this mistake again.  He could have set-up an anniversary dinner and evening, but he's waiting for menopause to make his wife barren so he doesn't have to unleash any more of these kids.  This isn't funny, this is a sad discourse on the tragedy of this balding man's loss of intimacy.  An American tragedy played out in the funny pages. 

Grand Avenue by Steve Breen and Mike Thompson:

The newspaper was replaced by television news?  I thought television news was dying out due to people getting news online? Heck, I get most news through Twitter these days. I get more local news through Facebook and Twitter than I ever got from a newspaper or TV news show.  Sports news is EVERYWHERE online, as I read so much sports news through websites and stalking following sportswriters on Twitter.  The dog should be fetching a smartphone, not a remote.  

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The Daily Comics Review: Swearing Off "Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs" Forever

I keep saying to myself I can't do this everyday.  But here I am sitting in front of the computers reading the comics and I just can't stop myself:

ANDY CAPP By Reg Smythe:

Andy Capp is a long running adventure of a Brit named Andy and his long-suffering wife, Flo.  Andy, as all Americans imagine the average roustabout Brit, plays snooker, darts, and footy; drinks to excess; drinks to excess and then fights with the wife; bails out of any opportunity to get a job; and generally drinks to excess and fights anyone available who slightly insults his sensitive sensibilities. 

Andy Capp has a script: it's one of the above everyday, or, a combination of them.  Today, Andy has already reacted to a perceived slight from a waiter and violent mayhem as ensued. Andy Capp is, as another famous Brit wrote about an Italian guy, "as constant as the Northern Star. Of whose true-fix'd and resting quality. There is no fellow in the firmament." (It was Shakespeare from "Julius Caesar" -- Sorry, I have to get some mileage out of that liberal arts degree I wasted so much valuable time and money on in my wasted youth earned through hard work and dedication and have used to advance my career and provide for my family. 

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BEN by Daniel Shelton:

Is it funny because he is old and confused? He has early onset Alzheimer's Disease and therefore is a subject of ridicule?  That or some other form of dementia? Or, he truly can't tell his wife from the dog, which is kind of creepy. I think this comic is about ridiculing the elderly. It's not trying to be funny, this comic is simply mean-spirited.   So the comic creator is showing the decline of modern morals by ridiculing the older generations and showing the scorn they are subjected to by the younger generations.  Quite a powerful statement to make in the funny pages. (Or, it's just not funny or deep, and Shelton likes making fun of old people).

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BOTTOMLINERS by Eric and Bill Teitelbaum: 

This comic isn't here because it's funny. No, it's here because it appeals to a extremely small demographic, namely me.  A former career in executive job placement and now a government employee? Wow. They are targeting me!  I feel so special.

That said, another lame joke about diddle-daddling, lazy government workers? Lame.  Another joke that was old when I was a kid.  Add in all the layoffs, early retirements, and attrition in our agency, and even the lazy old-timers are forced to work hard whether they want to or not.  We are all doing more work with less. But, yeah, since we work in government, we're automatically lazy.  More slings and arrows to endure. Ouch, you fine gentlemen have wounded me to my core.

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BAD REPORTER by Don Asmussen:

Not as familiar with this comic, but mildly entertaining. My nine-year-old daughter found the puppy bowl story amusing, so it has that going for it.  It caught my eye in that in a similar vein, my friends and I would create our own "fake" newspaper in study hall.  We would buy copies of the Weekly World News or National Enquirer or other trash tabloid and then cut and paste (literally with scissors and glue, no computers in the classroom back then) the headlines and re-write the stories with classmates and teachers and extremely inappropriate subject matter.  Looking back on it, I don't know how our "newspapers" were not confiscated by the administration and we were not expelled. Most of the stories were so graphically inappropriate and unsuitable for the environment that in today's politically correct culture it would jail time and headline news for sure.  

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CUL DE SAC by Richard Thompson:

This is me with my family. I make jokes, and I get uncomprehending stares from them.  But at least I have a full head of hair! Hah, suck it, father in this comic strip who is as real as Manti Te'o's girlfriend (I take small victories wherever I can get them!). 

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BREVITY by Dan Thompson:

OK, I hate to mix newspaper comic strips and superhero comic books, but in the Marvel Universe Reed "Mr. Fantastic" Richards uses unstable molecules to create uniforms for the Fantastic Four so that it stretches when he stretches, it turns invisible when his wife, Sue "The Invisible Woman" Storm, turns invisible, doesn't burn up when his brother-in-law, Johnny "The Human Torch" Storm turns to flame, and doesn't rip when his best friend Ben "The Thing" Grimm who is Incredible Hulk sized flexes.  In the comic books, Bruce "The Incredible Hulk" Banner is friends with fellow scientist Reed Richards.  

So I have to agree with the strip here. Why is the Hulk ripping his clothes all the time when the solution is known and used by his friend?  Granted, he is not as impressive on the page without his green muscles flexing and ripped clothes all about (gotta stop the description so the wife doesn't get all excited!), but overall, good point made in the newspaper comic strip about the superhero comic books.  

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MONTY by Jim Meddick:

"Nathan's Famous"? As in hot dogs. Skinny jeans. This is about Monty's penis.  On a Saturday, usually the least-read comic strip day (the seven people who still read newspapers tend to buy them on Sunday, and then Monday to Friday), Jim Meddick decides to drop the first three letters of his last name when making his joke in Monty.  Wow. I am flabbergasted, that is pretty blatant.  Of course, now I am covering the final panel on the computer screen...I don't have any desire to search for detail in the drawing of Monty in his skinny jeans in that panel.   "Nathan's Famous".  Monty's skinny, hot dog like genitalia referenced in the comic strip.  Ugggh.  TIME TO MOVE ALONG TO THE NEXT COMIC STRIP. 

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THE FUSCO BROTHERS by J.C. Duffy:

Erotic Illustrations on a menu? No one say anything about Nathan's Famous hot dogs. Or Monty. 

TIME TO GO!  NO MORE! NO MORE!

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Fatties, Spock, and Gaylords

I told Bryce there was no way I could do the Daily Comics Review each day: Full time job; Kids; Attractive wife; No way I can do it more than a couple times a week. Yet here I am posting again for the third straight day.  Can't help it, I read the funnies, and I have the addictive need to shoot off my big mouth. Good thing I have an addictive personality. 

DRABBLE by Kevin Fagan:

It's funny because Drabble is fat. He's gonna suffer from heart disease, diabetes, and other maladies because he's obese.  Ha, that's high humor.  Maybe he'll damage his kidneys or spleen by wearing his belt so tight. Hah-hah.  It's funny because he's constricting himself. Funny stuff. 

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BEN by Daniel Shelton

Ho-ho. Fat and old! They know how to tickle the funny bone today: impending death. Whoo-hoo.   Too bad there wasn't a job about how the old guy's stomach fat leads to impotence.  Then we'd have some real humor.

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CHUCKLE BROS by Brian & Ron Boychuk:

OK, inner Star Trek geek rage time: Mr. Spock, from Vulcan, is buying a relationship book about human men and women.  In a semi-modern 20th century bookstore.  Since Vulcans mate every seven years during Pon-Farr, and it is entirely non-logical biological function, why would he buy the book?  Do the comic creators assume he is Martian. Thus, he is from Mars. Therefore, he is looking to get freaky with a Venusian female?  He is not from Mars.  This makes no sense.  I repeat: Not. From. Mars. 

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BROOM HILDA by Russell Myers:

I remember this comic as a kid....it wasn't funny then either.  The joke is pretty lame.  Is Broom Hilda made up of tomato sauce, cheese, and a bread crust? NO. So she's not a pizza-based life form. But the fuzzy monster called the bird, Gaylord.  Back when I was a kid, gaylord was THE recess insult. As in, "look at that gaylord showing off on the jungle gym".  I know its a proper name (Hall of Fame pitcher Gaylord Perry), but its much funnier to think the fuzzy monster  doesn't like the bird and insults him to his face.  Heck, that's the only way this is funny.

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FLO AND FRIENDS: by Jenny Campbell

Deleting cookies.  Fat guy eating this Aunt's Christmas cookies on February 1st, when the cookies are about 6 weeks old.  Is the 3rd panel expressions due to the extreme wit or simply the fact that this joke was made 20 years ago and it wasn't funny then.  Cookies on a computer, ha-ha.  More importantly, why is prototypical early 80's punk girrl deleting her Aunt's cookie file?    Just what kind of websites is Auntie hanging out on that requires a cookie delete? Hmmm. I'm going with German porn.  

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Grown Up Kids

Hello, Peter here again, bringing you more comics review for Wednesday!

Candorville

Looks like Susan and Lemont were lounging uncomfortably on rooftops as far back as 1982, apparently without any parental supervision. Seriously, where are their parents? These 5 to 6 year-olds are hanging out on a dirty roof with only a short barrier separating them from a several story drop! And Susan isn't even wearing any shoes! Actually, that last one makes sense given her freakishly large feet.

Adam@Home

I love Clayton's heavy-lidded look in today's strip. He is exhausted from having grown up too fast, the unfortunate consequence of having been raised by an unstable, lunatic, man-child.

The Argyle Sweater

Cute idea, but wouldn't technically those be transplants, since they came from another chicken? Plus, this is a gross misuse of the organ donor program.

Ben

"Like a mini-hurricane?" Uh, I think you two are in the path of a tornado. Time to seek shelter immediately. Your neighbor was just hurled to her death by the twister's destructive power.

Boomerangs

Whoa, that's an awful lot separation for two people supposedly strapped together. Under the guise of jumping tandem, the mother has finally decided the murder her ungrateful daughter by pushing her out of a plane.

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Stupid robbers, stupid pigs, stupid cats, and dead dogs.

Gah!  I forgot to post last Saturday...  how could I?  At least there's one today.  Let's begin:

Slylock Fox:

These have to be not only the stupidest but also the weirdest burglars ever.  First of all, they're stupid because they've left the window open so the police can just climb in and catch them.  Second of all, they're weird because they have some kind of Pac-Man vs. Evil Pac-Man game.  I guess it might be fun to play, though.

Baby Blues:

If Hammy only uses ten Zoes, there's really no need to pay attention to him at all.  You just have to make sure to count how many he uses whenever he enters the room.  If he only uses three or four, you're actually allowed to throw that doll at him.  You could also use the brush if you want.

Heathcliff:

I would give up, too, if I knew I would have to squeeze myself into an opening that's too small for me just to get some birds to eat.  I mean, do you think it would make that much of a difference to the birds if the worm was a bit bigger?  If they're going to be fooled, I bet the size of the worm doesn't matter.  If they're not...  then the size definitely doesn't matter.

Ben:

The dog whimpers for his long lost dead friend whose bones have been scattered by the recent floods.  All that's left is a solitary bone, and because the rain continues, the dog has no way to go outside and claim his friend's remains and chew on them for a while.

Pearls Before Swine:

Stephan Pastis continues to show us how dumb Pig really is, but making him repeat an old saying that probably isn't true.  Observe: An article from Snopes.com.  Of course, Mr. Pastis has thoroughly disappointed me if he actually meant for Pig to be speaking the truth.

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Hot Young Swedish Teachers

It's late in the day, and if you haven't checked The Underfold out... you may be missing out on something that could save your life. No guarantees, but still.

Let's start some comics reviews, shall we?

Fort Knox (03.29.10)

Fine, since no one else is saying it, I will: This joke would be funnier if it was a MATH group.

F Minus (03.29.10)

I doubt it. They're never going to be as good at playing guitar because of their -1 finger situation, also their guitars have no strings. On another note, what's that guy in the vest and khakis so pissed about? He clearly doesn't understand rock and roll himself. The other guy is either Moby or the lead singer from Smashing Pumpkins. Either way, these guys are waaay too okay with aliens.

Daddy's Home (03.29.10)

If he's yelling about it, it sure seems like he's serious. Most of the time, this age-old joke is used with a more appropriate mumbling of the last line. Either way, this is a really old joke and needs to be retired. NO ONE LIKES SCHOOL.

Cow & Boy (03.29.10)

This is a serious stretch. You need more Fonzie references for this to really work. As of right now... it's just a cheap shot at the name, and that's kind of lame. This is when non-political comics try to be political... and fail.

Betty (03.29.10)

WHAT THE IN THE WORLD IS HAPPENING HERE!? I have zero clue what this comic is supposed to be and where it's joke is and if it's supposed to be funny or avante garde. Either way, the one thing it does accomplish is being stupid.

Ben (03.29.10)

Jokes about retarded kids just aren't funny.

Big Nate (03.29.10)

Unless "jelly donut" is code for something, this joke is dumb. This guy is obviously disappointed that none of the kids are turned on by his rotund physique, bald head and pedophile mustache, and would rather have a young Swedish teachers. Notice the lack of gender declaration though... this whole thing is a big gay pedophile joke waiting to blossom.

The end.

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Enslave the Mollusk

After a whole week to remember that it's Monday... SUCCESS!

(and if you really want to, there's totally a new comic up at The Underfold.)

Betty (03.08.10)

Maybe it's his nose. I've stared at it for an hour now, and it's really messed up. Oh, and learn to do your own laundry you worthless piece of crap. Gosh.

Ben (03.08.10)

In a strange series of events, this retard just saved his own life. At the precise moment of the ZAP in panel 3, the old man was having a heart attack. Problem solved. Lucky old man.

Big Nate (03.08.10)

What the heck is up with the timeline and background? Not to mention the kid in green is all Beetlejuice-head-spinning.

On a separate note... I would totally listen to a band called Enslave the Mollusk.

Candorville (03.08.10)

Yeah well, the thug in the Star Trek shirt is really looking like a cool guy. So, suck it, P. Diddy, before that huge pirate kills everyone.

Farcus (03.08.10)

There's two things wrong with this committee. 1.) They're not all white, 2.) One's an appendage-less woman...

Just saying.

Cow and Boy (03.08.10)

What's a kid that talks to a cow in the middle of a farm going to do with a pirate ship? Who am I kidding? He's right. Who of us couldn't do more with a pirate ship?

It's over. Get to work.

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