Lincoln Mallets

Sorry for the lack of Thursday updates. This is simply because I keep forgetting it's Thursday.

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Toast and tweets.

Arkholt is back with more comic blurbs, guaranteed to amuse and excite!

Todd the Dinosaur:

The kids obviously only need half a day in order to get so smart.  The juice breaks and nap times are the key, of course.  Kids don't learn as much in higher grades because they don't get them.  We ought to institute juice breaks and nap times for all grades.  I'm writing my senator.

Bizarro:

Have you ever considered trimming it for me as long as you're up there?

Pardon My Planet:

I prefer peanut butter and jelly commandments, myself.  I put butter on my Jesus and Virgin Mary toast.

Candorville:

 
Maybe it's just me, but this seems a bit lazy.  It's kind of interesting when it's done once, but when it's done over and over again it just seems silly.  There's already a TV sitcom about somebody's tweets.  We don't need a comic strip based on it.  Mr. Bell, please try harder next time.

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Shameful Plugging.

Hey everybody! There's a new web-comic sensation for you to check out, from the creators of The Underfold and Time-Mind Sync-Warp! It's Carafe, and it will rock your socks clean off. Now then, with the shameful plugging over with, let's continue with the reviews:

Funky Winkerbean, 01/14/10

Crazy Harry is well-aware that Montoni's functions as a sort of nexus for all the pain and suffering that the cast of the comic goes through, right? Then again, that would explain why Harry is so grateful to be alive. Why is he exempt from all the sorrow, though? Out of all the characters, he's the only one who hasn't directly suffered or been directly related to someone who suffered cancer, a grievous injury, or some sort of fiscal misfortune. Could he be the only one exempt from the sorrow of Funky Winkerbean?

Gasoline Alley, 01/14/10

I'm pretty sure most children know that Hitler was bad news still, what with their Wikipedias and Call of Duties and whatnot. Also, that woman in the first panel freaks me out. She may be worse than Hitler.

Pardon My Planet, 01/14/10

I'm not an expert on cars, but shouldn't those two things be connected to something? Like an axel?

Pluggers, 01/14/10

Actually, it just means that you're old and that your children are also old. Non-Pluggers can get old, too.

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Monday Comics Extravaganzor

I hope you all had a happy thanksgiving! I'm thankful that we upgraded to unlimited bandwidth after Mikey P dropped a bomb of thanksgiving comics for you all to enjoy last Thursday. Couldn't have done it without our amazing Project Wonderful advertisers - check them out today! I don't get paid by you clicking on the ads but I still want you to check out any of their sites that look interesting to you!

Bizarro 11/30/09

Seriously Dan Piraro? That is so lame that you're using your position of fame and notoriety to wish someone a personal happy birthday in newspapers across America. FOR SHAME! By the way, it's my wife's birthday tomorrow - hope you have a great one sweety!

Pardon My Planet 11/30/09

"I also love your yellow and green hair. GO DUCKS!"

Buckles 11/30/09

Buckles: more bestiality than you could ever really justify.

Henry 11/30/09

What are some other reasons why Henry would be buying an extra-large men's handkerchief? I'm sure you devotees can use your creative energies and come up with some great suggestions!

Between Friends 11/30/09

Sometimes you just have to say something, even when you know it will get you in to trouble. Between Friends is an awful name for this strip. They should have called it "Bitches Be Crazy!".

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500th Post Pseudo-Spectacular!

According to Blogger, this is the five hundredth Daily Comics Review post! To celebrate, I decided to go back and take a look at the very first DCR post and comment on the comics presented there. Except, you know, these are the new ones.

Alley Oop, 11/20/09

Since the first post, Alley Oop went through several months of having one panel a day, accompanied by dinosaur fan art sent in by little kids. Dinosaurs are really the only reason to read this strip, but considering the odd specimen we're given in the first panel (what is that thing? Did a stegosaurus and an aptosaurus have a kid or something?) they can find better dinosaurs elsewhere. Also, since I don't follow this strip, I have no idea if Ooola is happy to be marrying Alley or not, but all things considered (neither party seems too into the marriage idea) shenanigans will ensue. This will not make me follow the strip at all.

Beetle Bailey, 11/20/09

If Beetle put as much effort into working as he does into avoiding work, he'd probably have a lot more free time. I do feel a little sorry for Killer, since it seems like Sarge has just given him a bunch of metal garbage to put together somehow. Oh, and if Beetle is truly into relaxation as much as he claims, why is he wearing shoes on his bed? Those are the first things I'd take off.

Ben, 11/20/09

There's more than two radio stations, old guy. I should not anger you, however, since the way you pushed that button insinuates that you telekinetic powers.

Big Nate, 11/20/09

That kid is stupid at basketball.

Crock, 11/20/09

Are these two panels from different days, or does Crock need tailgate food for the memorial service? Maybe Crock is going to a football game with the guy in panel one and, since he doesn't know if he'll be back, he doesn't want to get all ready for a tailgate party and wind up having to do it alone? I don't know. Crock is stupid at comics.

Lio, 11/20/09

Aw... how sweet. I wonder who the voodoo doll was going to be used against, though. Also, since he's hugging it, is that person now feeling themselves being hugged? We will never know these answers.

The Pajama Diaries, 11/20/09

Okay, this is in my local paper, so I know that Nanci woman is supposed to be an African-American. Why is she just tan right there? Also, why are that woman's lips black? Did she become a goth between half-panels or something?

Pardon My Planet, 11/20/09

I'd be more worried about the fact that the backs of your hands are inexplicably hairy than dreaming that you're a ladybug. Besides, ladybugs get to go to ladybug picnics and their children die in horrible fires. Uh... I guess that second one isn't so much of a plus unless you really dislike children.

Spider-Man, 11/20/09

...what? I have to talk about this twice today? I'll go into character stuff on the MEG, but here, I'll just mention how much I like Spider-Man's conversational tone in talking to Bigshot. Oh, and in the third panel, it looks like Bigshot is about to kiss Sandman. In fact, you could take that panel wildly out of context and have the first two panels be something completely off-the-wall and it'd make just as much sense. Examples:






In fact, I'd say that last use of the panel makes "Edison Lee" a lot better.

State of the Union, 11/20/09

To quote GIR from "Invader ZIM": Why is his head so big? WHY IS HIS HEAD SO BIG?

There's like a billion quotes about big heads from that show, but that is the one that popped into my (normal-sized) head. And here's to at least another 500 posts for the DCR!

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The Late Review

Let me firstly apologize for posting at ten-thirty in the evening, when all your comic-review-eagerness has pretty much faded. It was finals week at my college, and although I dearly love reviewing comics, my leech of an education decided to bite me in the face and hang on tightly. As it is, I've decided to review more comics in a desperate attempt to make up for the late update. All comics are from today, May 20th. Enjoy.

9 to 5























Okay, so dude. Those are some of the lyrics of the chorus, the actual song is called "Sixteen Tons." I suppose I'm one of the few people in the world who know that, but jeeze, research it before you put it in your comic.
Also, that must be a mockingbird - if I were a bird sitting in a tree without a care in the world, I would totally mock the idiotic human in a plaid suit on his way out the door to work. I mean, really. Nyah nyah. The bird has every right to gloat.

Brewster Rockit











Wouldn't that be awful? Until now, I never really thought about how fast a "Fear Epidemic" would spread. If people were afraid of fear, you'd get scared, and then become afraid of your own fear, and people would be afraid of your fear, and you'd be afraid of theirs, and...
ugh, makes me want to crawl into a hole and die. Okay, Brewster Rockit, you've ruined my evening; happy?

Domestic Abuse
















...but the two ice cream cones didn't, as their story was rather beautiful just as it happened. Besides, they had no mouths to talk about it anyway. However, if they could have spoken, this is the story they'd tell...
You see, Mr. Chocolate was sitting quietly at home, in an old dusty chair, studying a crossword puzzle, when the phone rang. He answered it (somehow) and to his dismay was informed that his Great Auntie Vanilla had taken ill and melted. He quickly threw on his overcoat and caught the next train to Creamy Town.
It was a stormy night, and lightning hit a cow on the tracks, killing it instantly. The conductor on the train saw this, and hit the emergency switch, grinding the train wheels against the tracks with a loud squeal. Alas, it was not in time, for the train hit the dead cow, splattering blood and cow parts all over the windshield of the train. This marred the windshield wipers so much that they couldn't move, which prevented the conductor from noticing that the bridge was out ahead. Even though the train was slowing down, it wasn't doing so fast enough, and the train careened off the broken bridge into the swirling turmoil of water below. As water began filling the inside of the train car, Mr. Chocolate frantically looked around for a way to escape. He suddenly noticed that a damsel, lying unconscious in the seat across from him, was in distress - the water was nearly to the top of her cone. Somehow, in the chaos, he managed to grab hold of her and kick out a window, sucking them both out into the swirling maelstrom. As he paddled them toward the nearest bank of the river, the rest of the train was lost in the depths of the watery abyss.
As they reached land, he heaved her delicate, fragile form onto the grass, crawling up beside her, gasping. He never did make it to his Great Auntie Vanilla's funeral, but in her death, he found Strawberry. Their love blossomed and they were soon married.

It's All About You











Hm... what religion is that? If she's that accepting of religion, I want to marry this girl. I think it's against my religion to not recieve a sexual favor after each meal. Eh?

Pardon My Planet

























It must be her krypto-nightie that's giving her power over him; it's certainly not her death-warmed-over FACE! Good grief, she's spooky.

Pooch Cafe











If he were smart, he could avoid the whole situation by either taking off the collar or tying a knot in the leash about five feet from his neck. Or, y'know, chewing through the leash or something.


Real Life Adventures





















...There are also certain objects that you might find on a locker room floor that no one in their right mind would ever pick up... for example, hypodermic needles, condoms, boxers, and definitely hemorrhoidal cream. Ew. I sure hope it was still in a tube.

The Argyle Sweater




















Before guns, they used insults... and before cars, they used perfectly round rocks with perfectly round holes in them?
Also, I thought mammoths lived in cold areas. Hence "The Woolly Mammoth." You never hear about "The Clean-Shaven Desert Mammoth."

The Duplex











Okay, so I'm instituting a new rule into the Comics rulebook: when you draw a comic in which everything normally has freakishly mutant proportions, you're not allowed to make fun of hairstyles that are only slightly off-kilter. I mean, dude - the guy's nose is 20 times thicker than his legs and arms, and the lower portion of his face is as tall as his torso. This makes his so-called leafblown hairstyle seem reletively decent.

W.T. Duck










Good lord. I will never print in CMYK color mode ever again.
Man, Xerox is going to be in such an awful lawsuit when PETA hears about this.

Lio











My conclusion about Lio today is that that isn't any old Dreamland, that's Wet Dreamland. I mean, why else would it be adults-only?

Cleats











Yeah, it's because your eyes are normally larger than your friggin' BRAIN, and you look funny with gigantic goggles on, you horribley-illustrated sports freak!
And the kid on the right is never going to get kissed unless he files down that upper lip. Wowsers.


To all of you college-going students out there, good luck with finals if they happen to fall on this miserable week! But don't study too much; make sure you stop back by the DCR to help fry your brain now and then.

Mahalo.

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Just Another Lazy Saturday

Today is Saturday. Do you know what that means? That means that you get to read my fabulous observations about some really bad comics from the past week.


Bliss 5/4/09

That is the most awesome thing that has ever been on the local news. If there were something like this on the news every night, I guarantee that more people would be watching the news. Because if there's one thing that people like, it's the pain of someone else.



Pardon My Planet 5/4/09

It does not please your honor. In fact, it greatly displeases your honor. The bench is only 15 you disgusting pervert. Wait. You're a chair. How are you able to talk? Am I dreaming? What the hell is going on?! AHHH!!! (runs out of the courthouse and into traffic, getting struck by a car and dying on the street)



The Middletons 5/6/09

If acid reflux is the only thing you got from the 1960's, you weren't a real hippie. Real hippie's got all kinds of bad things from all the drugs. Mostly they can't think anymore because most of their brain has turned to mush. Damn hippies.

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Another Late Haiku Comics Review, phew!

I'm not good at this
I should quit job, blog full time
Oh wait, need paycheck!

Ink Pen 10/9/08

It's not blogging here
Why captain should be worried
Pegging is so gross


One Big Happy 10/9/08

Reincarnation
Coming back as a pencil
For a cartoonist


Mark Trail 10/9/08

Sneaky the racoon?
What an original name!
Like Harry the dog.


Pardon My Planet 10/9/08

I so empathize
Japanese arts aint easy
Haiku takes two days


Basic Instructions 10/9/08

Bill Gates took too long
He should have struck back faster
and with less Seinfeld

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