Let me firstly apologize for posting at ten-thirty in the evening, when all your comic-review-eagerness has pretty much faded. It was finals week at my college, and although I dearly love reviewing comics, my leech of an education decided to bite me in the face and hang on tightly. As it is, I've decided to review more comics in a desperate attempt to make up for the late update. All comics are from today, May 20th. Enjoy.
9 to 5
Okay, so dude. Those are some of the lyrics of the chorus, the actual song is called "Sixteen Tons." I suppose I'm one of the few people in the world who know that, but jeeze, research it before you put it in your comic.
Also, that must be a mockingbird - if I were a bird sitting in a tree without a care in the world, I would totally mock the idiotic human in a plaid suit on his way out the door to work. I mean, really. Nyah nyah. The bird has every right to gloat.
Brewster Rockit
Wouldn't that be awful? Until now, I never really thought about how fast a "Fear Epidemic" would spread. If people were afraid of fear, you'd get scared, and then become afraid of your own fear, and people would be afraid of your fear, and you'd be afraid of theirs, and...
ugh, makes me want to crawl into a hole and die. Okay, Brewster Rockit, you've ruined my evening; happy?
Domestic Abuse
...but the two ice cream cones didn't, as their story was rather beautiful just as it happened. Besides, they had no mouths to talk about it anyway. However, if they could have spoken, this is the story they'd tell...
You see, Mr. Chocolate was sitting quietly at home, in an old dusty chair, studying a crossword puzzle, when the phone rang. He answered it (somehow) and to his dismay was informed that his Great Auntie Vanilla had taken ill and melted. He quickly threw on his overcoat and caught the next train to Creamy Town.
It was a stormy night, and lightning hit a cow on the tracks, killing it instantly. The conductor on the train saw this, and hit the emergency switch, grinding the train wheels against the tracks with a loud squeal. Alas, it was not in time, for the train hit the dead cow, splattering blood and cow parts all over the windshield of the train. This marred the windshield wipers so much that they couldn't move, which prevented the conductor from noticing that the bridge was out ahead. Even though the train was slowing down, it wasn't doing so fast enough, and the train careened off the broken bridge into the swirling turmoil of water below. As water began filling the inside of the train car, Mr. Chocolate frantically looked around for a way to escape. He suddenly noticed that a damsel, lying unconscious in the seat across from him, was in distress - the water was nearly to the top of her cone. Somehow, in the chaos, he managed to grab hold of her and kick out a window, sucking them both out into the swirling maelstrom. As he paddled them toward the nearest bank of the river, the rest of the train was lost in the depths of the watery abyss.
As they reached land, he heaved her delicate, fragile form onto the grass, crawling up beside her, gasping. He never did make it to his Great Auntie Vanilla's funeral, but in her death, he found Strawberry. Their love blossomed and they were soon married.
It's All About You
Hm... what religion is that? If she's that accepting of religion, I want to marry this girl. I think it's against my religion to not recieve a sexual favor after each meal. Eh?
Pardon My Planet
It must be her krypto-nightie that's giving her power over him; it's certainly not her death-warmed-over FACE! Good grief, she's spooky.
Pooch Cafe
If he were smart, he could avoid the whole situation by either taking off the collar or tying a knot in the leash about five feet from his neck. Or, y'know, chewing through the leash or something.
Real Life Adventures
...There are also certain objects that you might find on a locker room floor that no one in their right mind would ever pick up... for example, hypodermic needles, condoms, boxers, and definitely hemorrhoidal cream. Ew. I sure hope it was still in a tube.
The Argyle Sweater
Before guns, they used insults... and before cars, they used perfectly round rocks with perfectly round holes in them?
Also, I thought mammoths lived in cold areas. Hence "The Woolly Mammoth." You never hear about "The Clean-Shaven Desert Mammoth."
The Duplex
Okay, so I'm instituting a new rule into the Comics rulebook: when you draw a comic in which everything normally has freakishly mutant proportions, you're not allowed to make fun of hairstyles that are only slightly off-kilter. I mean, dude - the guy's nose is 20 times thicker than his legs and arms, and the lower portion of his face is as tall as his torso. This makes his so-called leafblown hairstyle seem reletively decent.
W.T. Duck
Good lord. I will never print in CMYK color mode ever again.
Man, Xerox is going to be in such an awful lawsuit when PETA hears about this.
Lio
My conclusion about Lio today is that that isn't any old Dreamland, that's Wet Dreamland. I mean, why else would it be adults-only?
Cleats
Yeah, it's because your eyes are normally larger than your friggin' BRAIN, and you look funny with gigantic goggles on, you horribley-illustrated sports freak!
And the kid on the right is never going to get kissed unless he files down that upper lip. Wowsers.
To all of you college-going students out there, good luck with finals if they happen to fall on this miserable week! But don't study too much; make sure you stop back by the DCR to help fry your brain now and then.
Mahalo.
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