Diagnostics

Sorry for the tardiness. Someone forgot to pay the Internet bill. It was me. Also, there were slim pickings today so the two comics were chosen entirely at random.

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Morbid Obesity and Shaq Carpeting

Baldo

Tia Carmen is old—a few nips from the bottle won't hurt her much probably.  Cruz, on the other hand, is developing terrible habits that could lead to severe health problems down the road.  Look at his heavy-lidded stare in panels one and two:  just a teenager and already his obesity has made him listless and lethargic!

The Born Looser

"And on a totally unrelated note: if the neighbor calls, I may have set some these eggs free on his house."

Bound and Gagged

What's the joke here? I guess it's funny because vampires sleep every day in a confined space, thus making the doctor's question rather silly.  I was going to suggest that a doctor performing a blood test while also asking the vampire if he's squeamish at the sight of blood might be a more obvious execution of this gag, but then I remembered that vampires don't have their own blood, so never mind.

Brevity

Does anyone actually choose to install shag carpeting these days?  Rather retro-ish, no?  Regardless, having multiple etchings from the Kazaam poster on your floor is surely an improvement.

Lola

What's Lola doing picking up coffee on her way to a coffee shop?  Makes no sense!

The Grizzwells

So did the bear and porcupine find the fish in the garbage or did they catch it somewhere else and just like hanging around a turned over trashcan?  Knowing how lazy these guys are, my bet is that they raided the trash for the fish.  But who throws away whole fish?  By all rights, these two should have starved to death long ago.

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Dirty M&M's

Agnes

So Agnes is a cruel, sadistic child that tortures and murders helpless ants? Sounds about right.

The Argyle Sweater

Ick. That Super Bowl commercial was disturbing enough. I don't want to know what the green M&M myth is. You all can look it up if you want, just don't tell me.

The Flying McCoys

This is a very odd scene. The artist apparently thought these gentlemen needed to be crazy (straight-jacket, padded room crazy at that) for the gag to work. I think it distracts if anything. Too many unanswered questions. (Why is a hard metal object allowed in an otherwise padded room? How did he draw a face on the trophy if his arms are bound?) The man bringing his new bride to his quiet suburban home in front of two gossiping neighbors probably would have been funnier.

Lola

Ack! Another example of M&M love! I used to like them too. Sigh.

Love Is

"Paralyzed from the waist down you say? Need special care and attention for the rest of your life? Okay, how about I just wheel you over to this corner and be on my way?"

The Grizzwells

So their job is to hang out in the woods and do nothing? I always thought it odd that the bear and porcupine talked frequently about their jobs, yet never seemed to go. Little did I know that they have been at work this whole time.

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Nose puppets are weird.

Hey all. Time for some Wednesday comics review.

The Buckets

I don't want to destroy the mother's scholarship dreams, but the creative writing establishment generally looks down at that kind of pulpy sci-fi.

Agnes

I almost googled "Eastern Boogervian nose puppets" to see if it was a real thing, but then I

realized, "Oh yeah, 'booger-vian.'" Sigh. Sometimes it takes me a few seconds to get stuff.

In the Bleachers

It's a bit weird that Fitzpatrick is the name of a simpleton in this comic, especially considering now that Ryan Fitzpatrick, a Harvard graduate, is doing well for the Buffalo Bills.

Lola

I don't know about you, but I find cussing old ladies to be hilarious.

Birdbrains

This joke may have worked if not for the stupid faux-native name. "Farts-On-Crackers?" Really?

Chuckle Bros

Where the hell is everyone else at this convention? There's an open bottle of wine and two filled glasses at every table but no people! That's just creepy.

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I posted a comment on an article about Beetle Bailey's 60th anniversary where they compare Mort Walker and his strip to Charles Schulz and Peanuts. I commented that, like Jim Davis, Walker uses a "corporation" to produce his strips unlike Schulz who did everything himself. I want to apologize for that as Walker does not use a corporation to create Beetle Bailey. He, his sons and Jerry Dumas meet once a week to discuss the strip then they go play golf. Does Walker touch his strip anymore? Probably not except to sign them in the corner. Anyway, here's today's strip:

Beetle Bailey 9/5/10

It's really amazing how different the strip looks now. In the article I commented on, someone said that Walker needs to update the strip--basically not show Sarge pounding Beetle into a bloody pulp. Really? That's what you would update? Not, you know, sending them to war or hell even a base in Germany would at least be a step closer to relevancy.

Drabble 9/5/10

For once, I was right there with him. Until I noticed that he has a squeeze bottle of ketchup in his pants.That is ketchup right?

Mary Worth 9/5/10

"I will spend the rest of my days going bar to bar trying to find out who killed Richie, just like my father."

Slylock Fox and Comics for Kids 9/5/10

Slylock, the most unAmerican fox ever known, blatantly accuses the majestic eagle of thievery even though the ostrich and penguin worked together. The eagle doesn't want that stupid tricycle, he just wants his country back.

Lola 9/5/10

I'm fairly certain "It's a Small World (After All)" is a copyrighted song and very expensive so I doubt ice cream trucks could use. I usually hear them playing "Pop Goes the Weasel", "Mulberry Bush" and occasionally "Turkey In the Straw". If anyone has heard an ice cream truck play "It's a Small World" let me know in the comments.

Broom Hilda 9/5/10

First, that seems like an awful lot of headache inducing just to get a child to go the bed. Second, why would anybody buy a book from someone named Broom Hilda?

Reynolds Unwrapped 9/5/10

This is perhaps one of the most insulting comic strips I have seen in a long time. Mr Reynolds, you shame me.

Todd the Dinosaur 9/5/10

Technically, watching the news on PBS is like listening to NPR--it's informative and to the point and bordering on dry. But if the kids these days actually got their news from PBS or NPR, this world would be a better and more informed place.

Panel from Grin and Bear It 9/5/10

Look, kids, it's the 21st Century and it's 2010. We don't care that you are gay. You can quit hiding it.

Ask Shagg 9/5/10

I hate Ask Shagg and I bet you a dollar that somewhere there will be a kid who tells their teacher that they learned about vasserlines over the weekend.

Nancy 9/5/10

I really have nothing to say about today's Nancy but I do want to point you to this site. I knew there were people who believe that we didn't land on the Moon but people who actually believe the Moon doesn't exist? That's...I don't know what. What I like is that their "reward" for proof the Moon does exist is a paltry $100,000 and it has to be conclusive physical proof--sent by email.

I would almost go as far to say the site is a joke but considering there are people thinking the President of the United States wants to bring down the country I don't know what to think anymore.

The Born Loser 9/5/10

I'm pretty sure the Thornapples have taken a vacation this year but I'm not in the mood to search through my site to find out. But please, feel free to do it yourself. I love how Brutus has decided to take his family on vacation after Wilberforce has already started school.

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Things

Yo, peeps. It's Thursday, which means that I'm all up in your hizzy. Here's some comic commentary. Can you dig it?

My Cage

Could "My Cage" be delving into epic story-lines? Will we see Norm's child face down against Violet's in a battle between good and evil, all the while hints are dropped as to what happened to the humans?

Probably not. Which is most likely a good thing, as the strip's fine how it is.

Lola

The best super-power to have would be Nightcrawler-esque teleportation. Not only is it able to be used offensively, but it's a good way to get around.

Cow and Boy

There's a song by "They Might Be Giants" about a guy who only has two songs in him, but then he wrote a third. M. Night is sort of like that guy, except he keeps making movies regardless of how many are in him.

Marmaduke

Marmaduke should just devolve (or evolve?) into a daily panel where Marmaduke encounters the supernatural and whatnot. You know, sort of like Scooby-Doo, except Marmaduke is probably more of a threat to mankind than anything he could encounter.

Off the Mark

Ending today on a high note. This is just a fantastic panel right here.

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Heathcliff has no talent

Later in this post, I make allusions to my least favorite comic strip. It's not one of the ones I post about at my own blog, and I plan on never posting one of its hell-spawn here. On with the post, including a pithy PSA-style thing at the end. Just like GI Joe!

Heathcliff, 8/14/09

The guy who... "writes" this is aware that there's an American version of the show, right? It's been around for three years, according to the IMDB. So there's really no reason to specify that this is a knock-off of the British version. Also, I'm wondering if spin-off might have been a better choice of phrase. Then again, the Heathcliff guy is making the big bucks for doing this comic strip, so I guess he knows what he's doing. Is he aware that the only thing most people remember about Heathcliff is that he had a cartoon in the 80's? Probably not.

Lola, 8/14/09

I know Lola just tosses out pop culture references like an ADHD-version of "Family Guy", but this one is just absurd. For one, I doubt some kid (here assumed to be anyone under the age of 13) knows what the heck a Jurassic Park is. If they do, more power to them. Two, and spoiler alert I guess, but the first movie and book ended with most of the humans escaping the island while all the dinosaurs got exploded. So Lola shouldn't look too pleased, as she pretty much just told the kid she's get exploded.

Rudy Park, 8/14/09

Best Rudy Park ever! However, I can't let my dislike of the strip (it's pretty high on the list of strips I dislike, right under Mallard Fillmore, Prickly City, Brilliant Mind of Edison Lee, and my all-time most hated comic strip which I won't name here) detract from the fact that Misters Bell and Heir are having some trouble, so if you like this strip you should go support them by going to their web site and buying some stuff. In fact, you should do this for all your favorite strips. Besides, if comic strips die out, then blogs like this one will, too. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle!

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Imminent Death and Destruction

Hello. Some of you might know me from the Meekrat Entertainment Group, which shares a forum with this site. Anyway, here I am, with a whole load of comics to be mildly lambasted. I think there's twelve of them or something, but expect the number to dwindle as time goes on.

Cathy 7/9/09

Cathy is all about the slow domination of machine over man. It would seem our only hope of surviving the Robopocalypse is Cathy herself, still concerned with little things like interpersonal communication, in which case we're all pretty much screwed. I look forward to seeing her scream "ACK!" as the robots torture her.

Edge City, 7/9/09

Only Edge City has the moxie to tackle the ever-growing problem of Facebook addiction. Abby obviously needs help, and she wants it, will she be able to tear herself away from Facebook long enough to end this downward spiral? Considering how she's looking for answers in the very den of the demon, I doubt it. The next few weeks will likely consist of her slowly wasting away, or being forcibly put into Facebook rehab. It'll be a laugh riot.

Heathcliff, 7/9/09

I just like the fish in a bicycle helmet, and I wanted to share it with all of you.

Lola, 7/9/09:

Do you know who would really hate to see that? Luke Skywalker. He'd be all jealous of the little Hispanic girl getting to ride on his father's shoulders. He might even turn to the Dark Side himself and show Dora the Spanish word for "Getting decapitated with a lightsaber." It's probably an onomatopoeia of some sort.

Mallard Fillmore, 7/9/09:

Hey, look! The fetus is telepathically communicating about torture! So it's about abortion and torture! Sadly, this is about a hundred times better than the usual nonsense this strip puts out.

Annie, 7/7/09:

Supposedly, this is Little Orphan Annie. I have no idea if that's true, because there's a decapitated robot head bouncing down a street and and a guy named Xaxos being all angry and stuff. Ah, wait, creepy soulless Annie eyes. Even on the robot head... is that a decapitated cyborg head? Annie is far more interesting than I thought.

Birdbrains, 7/9/09:

Insecticide?! That bug wasn't trying to do drugs, he was trying to kill himself!

Committed, 7/9/09:

I have to call shenanigans on this, because the CandyLand board game has an actual, viable, movie-capable storyline and characters. You don't need to create some stupid villains hi-jacked from a dental PSA.

Eek, 7/9/09:

On a similar note, Godzilla is totally capable of messing up Japan with kids. He does it all the time, and brings the kid with him, or the kid gets kidnapped, or becomes the loneliness-birthed hallucination of a wimpy Japanese child. I'd imagine Japan would properly screwed if Godzilla showed up with a whole brood of young'uns, though, so maybe the parent Godzilla is just making sure that Japan is a viable source of destruction for years to come.

Maintaining, 7/9/09:

I think the better question here is: Is Halfrican-American a real term?

Reality Check, 7/9/09:

First and foremost, I realize it's a comic strip, so for the sake of the gag I'll just assume that's how bows and arrows work. They could have just said, "My crossbow went off", though, which would have solved all sorts of problems. I'll also assume a human being can live through that. My main issue, then, is how the arrow is lodged in his head. If he was cleaning the bow and arrow like any normal person would, the arrow would actually have gone through his leg, or at least it would be perpendicular to the angle it's at now.

Skin Horse, 7/9/09:

Sausage Picnic sounds dirty. Also, I can't figure out what's more disturbing: the fact that the dog is expecting the sausages to be poisoned, or the fact that the man cheerfully exclaims that they're not... this time.

Well, that's my inaugural effort here. It was filled with death and bereft of logic. And fun?

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