Alternative to What? Maybe humor...

Waiting for the blizzard here in the Northeast and ready to dig deep into the dark, steamy underworld of comic strips:

The Middletons by Ralph Dunagin and Dana Summers:

YES! I LOVE IT!  Alternative music was popular in the early 1990s. Today is 2013!  Yes, YES, YES!!! I love it.  Officially 20 years late for the joke to be funny (if it was even funny back 20 years ago!).  Is the kid supposed to be a representative Mother Love Bone, Screaming Trees, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Pixies fan?  Is he rocking the flannel alterna-90s style (when you didn't have to be from the Pacific Northwest to dress like a lumberjack). Of course, by 1995 alternative to the mainstream became listening my old 80s glam/rock/metal cassette tapes, so who was REALLY alternative? (What do you mean that meant I was a loser?) MOVING ON!

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Birdbrains by Thom Bluemel:

Oh yeah, this is about to get a little too realistic here.  Look at the eyes on the missus, she is wide awake and getting ready to bolt! Bleary-eyed, second-husband is barely awoken by the ex-husband digging through the floor of the bedroom.  One can imagine him sauntering out of bed in his Brooks Brothers pajamas, looking at the wide-eyed missus, turning to look at Charlie the Con still holding his shovel (is it a spade? Look how pointy that shovel looks! It's a murdering shovel!), then saying something like, "Well, my dear, it was a jolly fine time.  Putting on his Brooks Brothers matching robe, and picking up his pants and suit, grabbing his overnight bag, and calling for a cab as he saunters into the night.  Meanwhile, Charlie the Con has one thing on his mind, look at his eyes there in the panel.  The missus had best hope she forget the duct tape at the hardware store last weekend...

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The Argyle Sweater by Scott Hilburn:

OK, number one: I've seen enough SpongeBob SquarePants that the kids put on the TV to know that is indeed him and that the sponge-mom is his mother. "Wring yourself out in your bed"? "Washing your own sheets?"  Yuck. SpongeBob's nocturnal emissions are not a thought for the squeamish.  Kudos to Scott Hilburn for having the guts to "go there." Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be washing out my eyes and mind with bleach to forget this.

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Brevity by Dan Thompson:

I only put this here because I need to go all comic book geek and say that as recognizable as the lovable old Thing aka Ben Grimm of Yancy Street is here in his usual appearance, I still miss the secondary mutation super-rocky thing of yore:

That's all. The BREVITY comic was terrible, but it gave me a chance to go all comic book geek.

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F Minus by Tony Carrillo:

I think usually the reason is "nice tits" and "I wonder how they look up close and if she's turned on by a man in uniform", but in this case I'm stumped as well.

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Kit and Carlyle by Larry Wright:

Not only is that my cat, Buddy, but he even looks like that cat in the strip.  Most times I'm on the couch writing on the laptop and he comes up and sits right on the keyboard.

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Ziggy by Tom Wilson & Tom II:

Ziggy's proctologist is continuing his proctology exam of the pants-less one in the parking lot.  Well, I guess that's the closest Ziggy will ever get to being laid. 

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A Pub With No Beer

Adam@Home

Wow.  Adam makes absolutely no effort to filter the madness inside his head.  Careful, Adam, or they'll send you to a place where you have to wear gowns all the time.

Andy Capp

Is Andy aware that he can probably order hard liquor at this pub? It'll still get him drunk, and isn't that the point?  Or am I missing something?  Perhaps Andy is a beer aficionado and his repeated public intoxication is merely an unfortunate side affect.


The Argyle Sweater

Yes, Ryan Seacrest is a tiny, tiny man.  Also, everyone at the Academy is a sarcastic dick. Hilarious!

Candorville

Why does Lamont continue to hang out with Clyde when he so clearly dislikes him and never wastes an opportunity to put him down? And why does Clyde put up with it?  I'm waiting for the day when Clyde finally snaps and punches Lamont in his 'smart' mouth—it will be well deserved.

F Minus

I like how Mark isn't concerned at all—he's actually smiling a little.  "Looks like I'm possessed by the Prince of Darkness.  Cool."

The Flying McCoys

I don't usually nitpick, but I think the joke would have been funnier if she said the book on time travel would be due five hundred years ago.  Just sayin'.

Rubes

Ha! Since Nietzsche is unavailable, may I suggest arresting Kelly Clarkson?

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Creepy Ponytails and Deodorant Trees

Betty

I'm not sure if the hipster glasses and the creepy ponytail are supposed to visually signify that this waiter is also a writer—I've noticed that the ancillary characters in this strip tend to have weird hair and looks.  Last week we saw squiggly hair guy; this week it's unfashionable ponytail man.

F Minus

What cracks me up is the thumbs-up and slight smile from the guy washing the dishes.  "No worries, I'm no threat to you, I'm just here to wash the dishes and perform other household chores... oh, and to have sex with your wife."

Love Is

Maybe if he had skills other than staring, love-struck, into his androgynous cherub soul-mate's eyes, he'd be more employable.

The Grizzwells

Good to know:  the critters in this strip are lazy and they smell bad.

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Ikea Pizza

F Minus

What an ugly, motley crew of children.  If I were this guy I'd try to return more than just the extra one.

Birdbrains

The giant stone buttocks are disturbing enough—are the butt-warts really necessary?

Freshly Squeezed

Seriously, the Padres?  They're the worst team in their division!  And the 2nd worst team in all of baseball!  Looks like Irv's mind is fading along with his hearing.

Home and Away

I like the idea of calling home assembled pizza "Ikea Pizza."  It's very apt.  I personally enjoy Ikea salad and Ikea pasta.

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Bubble Gum Farts and People Food

Adam@Home

Laura is too amused by her own cleverness to pay attention to her parenting responsibilities.  But it works out in the end anyway:  Laura's absent-minded detachment from her kids is punishment enough for Clayton.

Boom Hilda

So it looks like Broom Hilda has finally been caught and is being tried for witchcraft.  Judging by the trigger happy (or should I say match-strike happy?) attitude of the jury, I'd say Broom Hilda isn't long for this world.

The Buckets

The mom here isn't overreacting to her son's "Kids Say the Darndest Things" moment, rather, she is slow-jamming her favorite song that just popped into her head.  Yeah, overmedicating yourself can have disturbing consequences.

Close to Home

Somebody out there please make this a real thing.  It would be HILARIOUS.

Eek!

Ug.  This gag has been done before.  Come on Eek!

Speaking of retread ideas...

F Minus

The Flying McCoys 

A near identical gag on the same day!  I swear, cartoonists all must subscribe to same newsletter.  The back page must be "10 Comic Strip Ideas In Case You Are Lame and Uncreative and Totally Can't Think of Anything Right Now."

Alright, that's all for now.  See you next week!

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Alien Invasion Presented by Nike

Animal Crackers

And a happy day after Valentine's to you too!

Birdbrains

Um. Why do the aliens have the Nike swoosh on their shirts? Okay, it is backwards, but still...

F Minus

Is that an expresso cup? That wouldn't be my beverage of choice upon learning that my child is a moron. Beer would be better, or perhaps even something stronger.

Momma

It's not the house that's falling apart, just Momma.

The Grizzwells

This strip anthropomorphizes its characters so much (the bear is married and has an office job supposedly) that it is refreshing to be reminded that they are wild animals and still crave the decomposing flesh of other creatures.

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Passing Stones

Peter here again. Today was a busy day, but on to the comics review!

Adam@Home

So Adam's injury turns out to be a kidney stone. I'm glad it's not some lingering back injury or something like that. Adam whining like a baby while his family waits on him would have been played out in maybe a day or two. Now we'll all be treated to the how-can-it-miss? comedy gold of Adam passing his stone.

Animal Crackers

News flash: you're the only tortoise with a sunroof because no one else wants to drill a hole right into his spine just so that he can stick his head out like some ridiculous sock puppet.

Alley Oop

I'm certain the different colored dresses will make figuring out who is who easy enough. Now as for figuring out Alley Oop's ridiculous plot? Not so much.

Break of Day

Uh... yeah it does. At least try to.

F Minus

Wow. That little girl must be really dumb if she's sticking fries in her eye instead of her mouth.

Tank McNamara

No name? I'd call it "Whiny Little Twit disease."

Okay, that's all for today. See you next week!

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When God Smote Adam

Greetings, readers. Happy Wednesday! Time for some comics review!

Adam@Home

The heavy-lidded seriousness of the worker's face in panel three implies that God really must smite people regularly in this supermarket. Either that, or this man has previously endured God's wrath and now his face is paralyzed.

It looks like Adam is going to be laid out for a couple weeks; he's not going to able to work or help around the house. Wait. He doesn't do those things anyway. So really nothing changes.

The Argyle Sweater

Ah, the sad life of the Pillsbury DoughBoy: nobody wants to send him a message, just an endless series of pokes.

F Minus

Um... okay. This is rather strange even by F Minus standards.

Jump Start

JoJo seems rather young to have completely given up on life. But I guess he has. He is now just a vacant, empty shell of a person with no passions or interests.

Luann

Haha! It's funny because women make men feel inadequate. What a riot!

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Blackout Day

Lots of websites are blacking out today to protest SOPA and PIPA. In case you've lived in an internet free hole the past couple days, here's the info on that. Anyway, on to the comics review!

Candorville

R.I.P. Lemont Brown. He was last seen weaving erratically along HW 1, just north of Santa Barbara.

Chuckle Bros

Chuckle Bros actually made me chuckle today. I love that the bald guy is rubbing it in Mr. Six-Pack's face that his shallow emotional fulfillment is so much easier to obtain.

Cleats

That's quite a long explanation just to get to the punchline. Are there really leagues with those rules? Also, why does that kid's dad look like a mobster?

F Minus

ChickenNog would have made more sense for this joke, no?

Moderately Confused

Ug. I'm moderately confused by this comic. Is the second guy supposed to see a donut or something? The thing's made of stone, so I don't see how he could be thinking of food. Perhaps he isn't looking at the wheel at all, but rather sizing up his up his smug inventor friend. "Mmm... transportation make Ogg fat, lazy, and delicious!"

Okay, that's all for today. See you next week! That is, if SOPA and PIPA don't shut us down first.

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